Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
