The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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