Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
