I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
