Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
