I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
