i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
