Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize