my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
