But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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