If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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