I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
