Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
