Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
