I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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