Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
