Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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