Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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