Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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