She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
