I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize