On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
