Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
