Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
