if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
