Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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