No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
