It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
