Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
