You made me cry and you don't even care
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
