So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
