Soap is not a condiment
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
