theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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