Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
