I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
