I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
