The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
