what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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