Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Say something about gay babies.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
