Don't you send me to vm
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We talked him into tasing himself.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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