I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize