dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
