I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Randomize
