evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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