So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
