I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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