come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
