Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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