He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
