Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
