I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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