i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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