So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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