I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
