i just had sex bonerless
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He kissed a someone with a penis
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
