T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
COCAINE IS GR8
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
