smell my finger.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
