I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dick very happy bro
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
