So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
