Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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