he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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