Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
