party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
